What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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