Sry I called you an 8
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
