So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
