Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
