my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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