I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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