I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
