i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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