Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
