I love black thongs
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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