i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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