I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
