thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
