In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just blew my weed a kiss
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize