I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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