I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
