shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Randomize
