If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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