did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
