I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
