dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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