Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
