Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's blow job season.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize