I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
