I am puke
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
