his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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