are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize