And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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