Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
should my penis look like a turkey
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
