the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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