Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
