my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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