I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
