I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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