Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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