also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
