tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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