Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
