Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
