I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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