You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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