Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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