Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
