But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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