Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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