I'm so fucking centered right now
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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