if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
