You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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