my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
