Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
