No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
