I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
