I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
