tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
