The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
