fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
