Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
