Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
