this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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