YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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