got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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