Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
