Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize