john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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