a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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