i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
