you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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