the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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