Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
