someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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