just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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