someone threw a dead crab at me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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